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The Best Games To Play If You're Upset About the General Election Results

by Luke Summerhayes

If You're Upset That Millions of Vulnerable People Will Be Forced to Rely On Charity Food Banks or Else Starve To Death Because Conservative “Austerity” Measures Will Continue to Cut Benefits and Vital Relief For People Who Sorely Need It, Play Pikmin 3

Since David Cameron's government came into power in 2010, the number of people forced to use Food Banks to avoid starvation doubled, then doubled again, then almost triple, rising from 61,468 people in the 2010-11 period to a staggering 913,138 people in 2013-14. Meanwhile, tax breaks continue to make life easier for the super rich.

 

In Pikmin 3 for the Nintendo Wii U, players command an army of plant-like Pikmin to collect beautifully rendered fruit, which can all be viewed in its sumptuous HD glory after each level. Players need the fruit to keep their party of miniature astronauts alive. Partway through the game, a disaster sees the crew face the possibility of starvation in harrowing scenes. Fortunately, the game doesn't end with the pressure getting too much and Brittany committing suicide, as studies have shown can increasingly be the case under conservative governments.

If You're Upset That the Conservative Government is Quietly Disassembling the NHS Play Mortal Kombat X

 Must... resist... urge... to make joke about... wanting to perform fatality on public official...

Must... resist... urge... to make joke about... wanting to perform fatality on public official...

Constant cuts to public spending have seen hospitals understaffed and underfunded already under David Kameron's government and it is feared that future plans will see the once-great British Institution of the National Health Service privatised like the rail system before it. One only has to look at the extortionate medical bills charged in countries as seemingly close as the United States or Australia to understand that this would be a nightmare scenario.

 

In Mortal Kombat, the kombatants suffer horrendous injuries in excrutiating detail; broken bones, ruptured innards, lacerations and incinerations. Despite all this, after each round they are patched up and ready to go all over again, free of charge!

If You're Upset That An Increasingly Out-Of-Touch Generation of Older People Who Don't Realise the World Around Them Has Changed Continue to Vote For a Government Which Will Have Disastrous Consequences After They Are Dead and Gone, Play Rogue Legacy

In Rogue Legacy, player characters don't live that long and as soon as old people fail at their mission in life, they die and get out of the way and make room for the next, more relevant generation.

If You're Upset That Wealthy Media Moguls Were Able to Use Lies, Assertations, Fear-Mongering and a Cult of Personality to Buy the Election Results that Would Best Allow Them to Stay Rich, Play Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

 Balanced Journalism

Balanced Journalism

Rupert Murdoch and his ilk managed to through a constant stream of fear-mongering half-truths about immigrants, irrelevant meanness about Ed Milliband and dangerous distortions of the facts to maintain the government which was most likely to let them continue to make billions of pounds every year, all while complaining with an absolutely straight face about “bias” in the BBC.

In Metal Gear Solid 2, Solid Snake and his team at Philanthropy work to bring the people the whole truth about Metal Gear, as journalists are meant to in our lofty, idealised dreams. Of course, by the end of the game the player learns that human affairs have for decades been covertly controlled by the Patriots through manipulation of information and the media. All our ideas of free will are meaningless if the information we are given is controlled by an outside force; we can only make choices based on what we know.

If You're Upset That the nation is About to be Subjected to Five More Years of a Government Which Only Had 40% of the Vote, is Run by the Wealthy Elite with a View to Creating a New Landed Gentry and Watching the Poorest of Us Pay Most of What They Earn Just to be Allowed to Continue Living With No Hope of Ever Owning a Home, who Want to Repeal the Human Rights Act and Are Coldly, Heartlessly Disinterested with the Common Man, play Kirby and the Rainbow Paintbrush

Yes, it was awful news when the results came in this morning and a callous, dangerous man came back into power despite more of the country voting specifically to get rid of him for parties who would happily form a coalition than voted for him, but the new Kirby game came out today and it is fun and colourful. So it's not all bad.