Who Hath Won the Battle of E3

Every year, the same. A hush, nay deathly silence, in the air as even the mountains hold their breath. The three great lords stand on the precipice, looming over the valley below with their armies clamouring behind them. As it always does, the enemy waits in the dirt below. The army of consumers, their wallets ready to be bled dry by match for the great kings of yore who ready themselves now for the slaughter.

First to lead his charge into battle is Lord Tiny the Gentle, micro in size and soft in nature. Immediately, a brilliant halo appears around his head. This brings to the mind thoughts of great tactical genius; roaming the battlefields freely, using every tool and trick at his disposal in clever ways to clear the map of foes. Alas, instead he strode forwards in a linear manner, admittedly with cool action along the way and an impressively large retinue compared to previously.

Later, he called a new ally to the field, Recore. Though great in beauty, bearing the great Inafune name and featuring the always-reliable robot dog and little girl combo, Recore left too much to the imagination.  Great first impressions do not battles win.

There was more to come; Dark Souls the Third was brought to the fore, and though little was she seen great cheers ran through the camps. After, one had to ask if invoking the name of such a noble house was enough, or whether the magic which made it great might already be lost from the world. The sellswords Rare finally began to show why they were worth such gold as they cost, turning their buccaneering to their lord’s advantage.

Tomb Raider and Gears of War, splendorous though unsurprising, finally brought up the rear.

Next of the great lords was the Son of Y, his sunny disposition hiding the heart of a warrior. Shocking none but pleasing all, he rode into battle with the mighty Last Guardian, a big winged dog thing. It was surely beautiful and majestic, but it didn’t seem to do much its predecessors hadn’t done and it took absolutely ages to reach the battlefield for something.

Other gigantic beasts under the Son’s control did great deeds on the Horizon, and two names long anticipated were uttered; Shenmue the Third, Final Fantasy the Seventh. After the names were spoken, though, it was left to the consumers to kickstart anything. For now, the son hoped a name alone was enough. For many, it was.

Lastly, Bland McGruff was called into battle, and though his shooting was sufficient to take his lord’s armies into uncharted territory, like Marcus and Lara he wasn’t actually surprising or innovative or new.

Finally, the Lord of Great Nintentions approached the field. Morphing hilariously into a group of puppet animals, he swooped across the battlefield with spaceship action. It looked much like what had preceded it, albeit turned up to eleven, but that was literally all that had happened. It seemed like a glorious start; would Nintendo conquer like nobody before or were they destined to join Microsoft and Sony in the 2015 pantheon of damp squibs?

Great warriors strode in behind him; Fire Emblem, Xenoblade, Yoshi and Mario Maker continued to look excellent but they had all been seen before. Many of them were expected to arrive long before this battle to be honest.

Mario and Luigi were somewhat surprising but couldn’t win a war alone. Multiplayer Zelda was welcome but felt like a side project, and though you might expect a multiplayer Metroid spin-off to meet a similar response you’d be DEAD FUCKING WRONG for some reason.

Finally, the smoke cleared and the dust settled. Bodies littered the floor. Who stands over them as victor? Nobody, really. Everybody just sat there with their feet up. “I dunno.” They said. “We’ll sort it out next year.”


Tell you what mind, it was a good year if you like shooting things in space: Halo, Mass Effect, Star Wars and Star Fox all look absolutely sick. Shame we knew about all of them before E3.