Last week, Nintendo released a three minute trailer for their new games console, the Nintendo Switch. It was a stylish affair, with lots of very good looking people acting much cooler than you or I, but what was it telling us? Luke Summerhayes is here to give you all the delicious answers to your questions.
WHAT IS IT?
The Nintendo Switch is an upcoming games console. It can be used as a free-standing handheld console, like the Game Boy or the DS. It is considerably more powerful than either of those, though technical details are not officially released.
What this means is that the machine can handle things previous handheld consoles couldn't: split screen multiplayer, advanced games and graphics. It can be slotted into a stand and played on the television as a home console, possibly with some enhanced performance.
It doesn't reinvent or innovate in the way the Wii and Nintendo DS did, or the way the Wii U struggled to. Instead, this offers a single device which can comfortably incorporate the various types of gaming which already exist.
WHAT IS AN NX?
Nintendo NX was the codename for Nintendo's new machine from its initial announcement through to the proper reveal. Rumours, leaks and speculation have called the machine the NX for a while, and I'm sure people will still accidentally slip into the old name now and then.
WILL I BE ABLE TO BUY ONE IF DONALD TRUMP IS ELECTED?
Obviously, there is a lot to worry about in the eventuality Actual Hitler is elected to the highest office in the Western world. Naturally, there's a chance his awful combination of hate and idiocy will lead to the extinction of human life, which will make it difficult to obtain a Nintendo Switch.
Even if we don't get "hard Trump", all two inches of it, his brand is very jingoistic and anti-immigration. When Nintendo first tried to break the American market, the company was hit with a great deal of post-war anti-Japanese sentiment; there is a slight fear this could rear its ugly head again. Plus, the new Mario looks a bit like it might be set in Mexico, and we know how Trump feels about that.
WHEN IS IT OUT?
The only confirmed date is a vague "March 2017", which has been known for some time.
DO I HAVE TO BE SEXY?
In the announcement trailer, the Nintendo Switch owners are depicted as cool, young, sexy people. Good looking men and women play with friends as they go out and about to parties, or in slick apartments that are tastefully decorated. I live in a shrine to toy robots and Spider-Man with a carpet that stains your feet. I hang out with the same guys I used to hang out with at school, or my work friends I try to pretend aren't way younger than me with much brighter futures. I'm fairly sure I will be allowed to buy a Nintendo Switch, though.
WILL IT MAKE ME SEXY?
It will to me, bbz.
WHAT WILL IT COST?
Unknown. Nintendo have said more details will be announced in early 2017, so expect a Nintendo Direct presentation at the start of January.
WILL IT CAUSE ME TO "SWITCH" BETWEEN DIMENSIONS?
The Nintendo Switch might just be named for the way a player can switch between multiple control configurations and set-ups: handheld console, home console, free-standing controller and so on. However, perhaps the crystal clear screen is actually a window into another realm, a dark alternative vision of existence.
From the shadow realm, a thousand thousand eyes watch hungrily our dimension of light and plenty. Pressed against the boundaries betwixt sanity and madness, they scratch from the void. Our world is falling apart, our politics, our economy, our morality. Is this not the world of dark already? Is this not shadow realm from whence all malevolence pours forth?
HOW WILL BREXIT AFFECT IT?
The pound is plummeting, which will drive the costs up naturally. Also, Nintendo's manufacturing is split between Japanese and German facilities, both of which will be more expensive to import from in the event of a full Brexit. Financial institutions are fleeing the nation, and very little technology of relevance to the rest of the world is produced in the UK. Brexit will undoubtedly be a concerning factor in any purchase of a Nintendo Switch.
WHAT GAMES WILL IT HAVE?
Officially, no Games have been announced other than The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. In the trailer, we did see glimpses of new versions of Mario Kart 8 and Splatoon as well as an all-new 3D Super Mario title. It seems likely that some Wii U games will be enhanced for launch on the new machine to bolster the library at launch and hopefully reach a new, larger market. Nintendo are also keen to show that they have support from third party developers, evidenced by an Elder Scrolls game and an NBA game featuring in the trailer.
WILL IT STOP ME FEELING SO EMPTY INSIDE?
We live in times of economic hardship, where information technology makes us more aware than ever of the world's problems but no more able to solve them. There is nothing left to explore or discover, and none of the enemies facing us today can be fought head on. The world is split into a younger generation too disenfranchised to engage politically, and an older one desperately fighting a changing world that terrifies it. Instead of progress, society seems to be moving backwards. Racism, sexism and almost luddite fear of science.
The Nintendo Switch won't necessarily help you find love, though it has been known to happen. It won't give a voice to the voiceless, except perhaps on Miiverse. It won't solve the world's ills. In fact, like most of our technology, it will probably use morally dubious conflict minerals and sweatshop labour.
Playing Mario is really fun though, and sometimes you just need to be distracted from it all, y'know?
WHAT ARE THE CONTROLLER OPTIONS?
Numerous! When used like a traditional handheld, the sticks, buttons and D-Pad are positioned at the side of the screen as ever. These two sections, "Joy-Con L" and "Joy-Con R" can be removed, and used separately or together as controllers while the console acts as a screen. Then, they can be clipped onto a central unit when the machine is operating as a home console, presumably to aid battery and perhaps add a rumble feature. Finally, there is a unique controller which can act the same as the unified Joy-Con controller.
COULD I USE IT AS A MURDER WEAPON?
Nintendo, being first and foremost a producer of entertainment products for families, have very thorough build quality rules. A Nintendo machine is sturdy, and must be able to survive multiple drops onto concrete from a height of a metre. A Nintendo Game Boy on display in New York's Nintendo World store was damaged by a grenade in Iraq but is still operational.
Wielded as a blunt object at the back of the head, the Nintendo Switch could almost definitely kill a person and probably continue to operate.
HAVE YOU USED IT AS A MURDER WEAPON?
Of course not! I resent the accusation.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?
I've never touched a Nintendo Switch, they're not even out yet! No, I've not had an opportunity to play a preview version. I don't know how my fingerprints got on there, there must be some kind of mistake. I don't even know that man, I've never met him!
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME WITH US.
This is bullshit, get your hands off me. I've done nothing wrong. I was framed! This is a mistake or a set up or something!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF STEPHEN JEFFERSON. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING. HOWEVER, IF YOU FAIL TO SAY SOMETHING YOU CAN LATER RELY ON AS EVIDENCE, IT WILL HARM YOUR DEFENCE. ANYTHING YOU DO SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN EVIDENCE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS?
Fuck you, pig.
WHAT WILL THE BATTERY LIFE BE LIKE?
No details have been revealed yet. The 3DS and Wii U both met accusations of poor battery life in their initial releases. That said, the chipset and the tech Nintendo are said to be using are known to be some of the coolest and most efficient, which should be a good sign. The only worry is that the two Joy-Cons will have to be battery powered individually in some way, which may add to the strain.