Articles

The Most Heterosexual Game Characters OF ALL TIME

by Dave Likesgirls

Today is Heterosexual Pride Day! If you're straight, like I 100% am, today is the day to celebrate how much you love definitely being attracted to the opposite sex.

Nothing homophobic about it though. I just don't see why they should get a whole day. What do we get for being straight? It's unfair, like black history month or not getting the blue shell in first place.

Solaire

In Dark Souls I always play as a woman. I like to play as women, because if I'm looking at a butt for 60 hours it should be a woman's. I don't want my mum to walk in and see me looking at a man's bum and think I'm gay and tell my dad I'm gay and tell everyone I'm gay and then people would think I'm gay and a boy would think I'm gay and kiss me and hold me in his strong arms. I don't want that because I'm not gay.

You really are fond of chatting with me, aren't you?
If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for me!
Oh, no, dear me. Pretend you didn't hear that!
Hah hah hah!

That's what Solaire says to me in Anor Londo. But not to me, he says it to my Dark Souls avatar, Davina. That makes it okay, because she's a girl and she's a boy. He's totally straight, like his Astora Straightsword, in my Lordran. Dark Souls is a very straight game, all about exploring tight caves and big weapons penetrating things. 

Duke Nukem

Duke Nukem is a big strong man. He has big, toned arms and square pecs and probably nice abs and glutes and an adequate penis. He likes having bubblegum in his mouth all the time and handling big weapons, which suits me because I like men like that. I don't like like them, or anything. He's just a cool dude.

On Duke's adventures, he rescues lots of attractive babes. He likes looking at their bums and boobs, and he goes into strip clubs and that. I've never seen him have sex with a lady, but how could a man who does things like that be gay? That would be like someone who writes about Heterosexual Pride Day being gay hahahaha.

Alistair

As I mentioned before, if I can play a game as a woman I will. This applied to Dragon Age: Origins where Davina met Alistair. He had dreamy eyes, and he was a good, honest man who would be a wonderful king. His sense of humour made me laugh and he kept me company all the way through the adventure.

Then at the end we got married and lived happily ever after. That's definitely the ending I got, you can't prove otherwise. Alistair loves me, and we're going to kiss and cuddle and live together forever. 

Not me! Davina! I'm definitely not gay, or a homophobe. I'm just celebrating heterosexual pride because it's ethical.