Hello citizens. This is UK Prime Minister Theresa May. In these troubling times, people often write to me and other MPs asking for advice, assistance, and assurance. Today I will respond to some of this correspondence here, in a public forum, so I can hopefully help as many of my constituents as possible.
Mass Effect 2
I have been playing through the Mass Effect trilogy on my Playstation 3, as we can't afford to buy another games console. Or eat. And I was wondering if you had any tips on how to romance the various characters?
Timmy McCreary, Newcastle-upon-Thyne
Well Tommy, it's very simple. If you're playing as a male Shepard, which I assume you are, because you're male and that's the end of it, you'll be wanting to romance Ashley. The aliens should all be going back to their own planets, and any non-traditional sex shouldn't be happening on screen.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD
Dear Mrs May,
I am five years old and this is definitely a letter I've written and not one that my dad got me to copy out in crayon so he could get retweets.
I think Ganondorf is a bad nasty man. At school, we're taught not to be bad and nasty. Why is Ganondorf so bad and nasty? It makes me cry. Have you got any tips for finishing this game and killing that bad nasty pig man?
Annabelle Witherington-Smythe, Age 5
I think Ganondorf's policies are Ganondorf's policies, and Link's policies are Link's policies. I don't see any reason to get involved. Just stay out of it. In fact, now that Hyrule Castle is dominated by an energy pyramid which is converting the world into a dark abyss, trade with them is no longer an option. I think there are plenty of opportunities being presented to us by the Twilight realm and we should accept being turned into a wolf as part of the trade deal. Killing Ganondorf now would undo the hard work. The special relationship between the Triforces of Courage, Wisdom and Power should be renewed and maintained.
Hey girl, how you living? I've been playing some Papers, Please and all the things the people say make me really sad, and then I have trouble refusing their asylum. Is there a way to help everyone?
Some bleeding heart liberal, probably from a fancy flat in a big city.
I've got some good news! I actually found a great solution to this problem which is just as applicable to the game as it is to real life. Simply sellotape a piece of paper to your screen over the window. Now, you can't see the people and hear all their whining, you can just get on with the paperwork properly.
Far Cry 4
I have been playing Far Cry 4 and I was hoping you'd have some tips for how to complete it efficiently? It's such a long game and there's so much to do, I don't know where to start. I didn't want to go online because I'm fed up with taking advice from so-called experts but I thought seeing as you're not a football player or a comedian who grew up in a housing estate, but are in fact an ex-banker from Oxfordshire, you'd be a down-to-Earth champion of the people who could understand my problem.
David "Dave" Davison, Dave Street, Dave, ENGLAND
I'm afraid I don't understand your problem at all Derick. Far Cry 4 is an incredibly easy game. After being invited to visit a foreign dignitary, I waited just as I was asked to, then he returned and we paid a visit to a memorial. It was a very well made game, I found, and it really spoke to me.
I've been looking to expand my output to include these Twitch streams all the kids watch. Do you have any advice on how to achieve something in Minecraft while also keeping the viewers happy?
There's a simple trick, really. Just do whatever you were always going to do. Then when you look at the comments, if they're asking you to do something you wanted to do, say you're doing it because it's the "will of the people". If they're asking you to do something you didn't want to do, say you won't do that because that would be "populist".
I have just started playing Tetris on an old Game Boy I found outside a charity shop. It's the only game I can play, as I'm homeless. I pass it around with all the other people who are homeless now, and we compare high scores. It helps us think about hunger and death slightly less. When I start a new game, though, I know I'll eventually lose. How do you face something that seems inevitable with any sense of conviction?
I dunno, Beth or something, these are made up names. 54% more people than 2010, how's that for a homeless character?
I just don't touch the controller, love. Sure the blocks will just fall in the middle and reach the top, but it had nothing to do with you so people can't say you failed. Right? Right?
Look, the metaphor's falling apart here. You will mathematically lose a game of Tetris eventually, it's inevitable. But skillful dropping of enough bricks will defeat a Donald Trump.
Click here to petition not to appease a supervillain https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/171928
Click here to learn about how our government is trying to interfere in what consensual sex acts adults in the UK can watch https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/nov/23/censor-non-conventional-sex-acts-online-internet-pornography
Click here to support a homelessness charity http://www.charitychoice.co.uk/charities/housing/homeless?onlinedonations=0
Click here find out how to write to your MP .http://www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-your-mp/
Stay strong. Fight back.