At E3 2017, Nintendo announced that Metroid Prime 4 was in development for the Nintendo Switch. Then last week, after years of expectation and excitement and speculation, Nintendo spoke again on the matter. In a video message, Shinya Takahashi humbly explained that the project’s development was not up to Nintendo’s standards and that development was being started from scratch.
The question we’re all asking ourselves now is: what went wrong?
Here at Gintendo, we’ve got some sources. Word on the street, the chatter, the rumour mill, the inside scoop, the 411, what we heard on the grapevine, these are the things what have come into our brains about this. Here are the reasons we’ve heard for what went wrong at Metroid Prime 4.
Nintendo Forgot Metroid Can’t Crawl
People love Metroid games which feature one big location to explore and a sense of lonely isolation with no other living things apart from enemies. What other hero was alone in a dangerous situation with a bunch of bad guys? John Mcclane.
The original version of Metroid Prime 4 was an homage to Die Hard, completely with miles of ventilation shafts to crawl through. Unfortunately, the developers forgot that Metroid himself is unable to crawl so the game was unplayable.
The Developers Didn’t Work Hard Enough
The development team were working 16 hours a day and 7 days a week. That’s 8 hours of sleep every single day, the lazy bums! Also, our source told us that one member of staff missed an entire day of work because his wife was giving birth. He wasn’t even having the baby himself! Outrageous! Obviously he returned the next day and humbly apologised to his colleagues but even so, he’s been stripped of any real responsibility and put into a cupboard.
The Game was Too Good
Actually, Metroid Prime 4 was an absolute belter, a banger, a smash, it slapped, it killed, it was the business, the bollocks, the tits and the jam. Members of the Dark Souls team were involved and they made a genuine masterpiece.
Nintendo realised this world did not deserve such a game. Like, you seen some of this shit that’s going on? Put the guns away, let people be themselves, get rid of billionaires, sort it out and maybe you’ll be allowed a good Metroid game. Until then, you environment-ruining, TERF, Brexit, MAGA bastards can have Federation Force.
A Dog Ate It
The team had a great design document, it was absolutely top notch, but then they took it home to work on it and their cute little shibe inu gobbled it up.
Naturally, the dog made a very humble apology and has since been put in a cupboard.
The Feminists Killed It
We can’t tell you how, but we have it on very good authority from a large number of sources that the feminists are absolutely definitely responsible for videogames no longer being the way you remember them being when you were still capable of happiness. Regardless of how feasible or true any of this is, our sources are absolutely certain that Nintendo are cucks and that the only people who are truly victims in this sad tale are not the staff who had an impossible task but the men on the internet who don’t have their computer game yet.
Of course, we’ll probably never hear the full story from the famously tight-lipped Nintendo. We’re pretty sure our sources are totally accurate, though.