Reviews

Giana Sisters: Dream Runners

This game longs for death. A platformer that doesn’t understand jumping, an online multiplayer game that has yet to find me a single opponent and a quick, easy-to-play 2D platformer that takes upwards of a minute to load a stage.

What do you want me to say? It's as gash as it looks.

What do you want me to say? It's as gash as it looks.

Thinking this would be a simple 2D platformer, like previous Giana Sisters games, I loaded it up. Instead of start game, continue and all the options you expect to see at the start of a quest, I had match types. Was this a multiplayer game? Maybe it would be interesting.

I honestly tried to get an online multiplayer match, but leaving the matchmaking screen for an hour at a time achieved nothing. Exploring the nonsensical menus gave me no extra clue as to how to get a game together, but eventually I stumbled on an option to play with bots.

I get to at least play the game in singleplayer. Hooray for me. It was shite. Four players race around looping, circular platforming levels. If a character is left behind by the scrolling screen, they’re out, a la Micro Machines.

Unfortunately, the levels feel like they were designed by an infant baboon too stupid for the human sign language programme and the controls are floaty, unintuitive rubbish.

Speedrunners is £3 more than Giana Sisters on Steam, but that's a small price to pay to have an actual good, functional game instead of a broken mess.

Speedrunners is £3 more than Giana Sisters on Steam, but that's a small price to pay to have an actual good, functional game instead of a broken mess.

I wanted to end this review with something along the lines of “this is an interesting idea done poorly, but maybe if thwy get a sequel it could be worth looking at”. Then I encountered the game Speedrunners at EGX and realised you should just buy that.

So yeah, Giana Sisters: Dream Runners. It would be cheaper and preferable to just set up two copies of Super Mario Brothers running side by side and race your friends on that. You could even make it the original Giana Sisters, if you really must. 

Good music, mind.